5 Hard Questions to Ask Before Getting Married, from a Professional Vow Coach and Ceremony Planner

When we talk about marriage, there’s often a rosy aura of love around the entire concept, and it’s not for no reason. Marriage is a spectacular thing. In fact, I’d argue that it’s one of the most wonderful things in the world. 

However, marriage is beautiful in the way a complex painting, piece of music, or a splendid piece of architecture is—which is to say, its beauty comes from the fact that it takes lots of work. It makes us acknowledge our strengths and shortcomings, makes us set goals and face obstacles. The result is always a worthy labor of love, but first, you must do the hard parts. 

I’m aware that I’ve just presented you with a relatively intimidating undertaking. This is why I’m here to provide you with a jumping-off point. You can ask these five questions to both you and your spouse to get started on this journey. 

What does marriage mean to you?

Trust me, this is a more complex question than many couples realize. The answer isn’t the dictionary definition of marriage, or simple words like “commitment” or “everlasting love.” 

When you explore this question, I want you to dig deep. Think about your non-negotiables in marriage. This can include division of labor, intimacy and connection, and life goals. In my experience, the definition of a marriage—and what makes a good one—varies for different people. Make sure you and your spouse are on the same page. 

Additionally, ask yourself what marriage has meant to you throughout your life. When you think of marriage, what bubbles up from underneath the surface, whether it’s pleasant or unpleasant? 

Essentially, what are you bringing to the altar, and how can you make room for it? 

What will every day look like for us? 

When you think of a life with your spouse, chances are, the milestones flash before your eyes in a montage that starts with your wedding day and ends with holding hands in rocking chairs. But so much of that life is the mundane, everyday activities. 

Ask yourselves about the things you may not want to think about, such as your finances. Will you have joint accounts, or separate ones? Will both of you be working, and if so, how much will you each be making? If one of you has debt, will you both take it on? How will you split bills and budget? 

Do either of you have hobbies, and if so, what priority do those take? How do you split the housework, and what happens if something breaks? When it comes to politics, what do you agree or disagree on? And, most importantly, what if there’s an emergency? 

Talk about everything that comes with the everyday, such as where you will live, whether you will have a car, and how you will eat and exercise. Yes, marriage is about enjoying the fullness of life with someone. But it’s also about the humdrum and the practical—chores, repairs, routines. You must remember: marriage happens daily. 

Think about how you’ll show up for each other when you’re dealing with both the expected and unexpected. When you’re on a run, or at the grocery store, or stuck in traffic, where do you see your spouse? And when things get too mundane, how do they enhance the everyday? 

When you’re at the end of your life, what would have made it worthwhile? 

Here you can look at the big picture. It may sound morbid, this question essentially means, what do you want in life? In a world where you have no regrets or things left unfinished, what have you done and accomplished? 

Consider what’s a part of that equation. When you think about this life, do you see any children at your bedside? If so, how many? When and how did they come into your life? When you remember raising them, how did you do it?  

Will you have had pets, or made memories traveling? Will you have spent holidays at religious ceremonies or practicing religion with your spouse? What will you have done every day, for work or otherwise? Where will you have lived out your days, and surrounded by whom? 

Take time to think about these things, maybe write them down, and then discuss them with your spouse. For many, if not all of these things, it’s crucial that you align. 

What happens if we don’t get all of those things? What happens if we do?

One thing you’ll find out when you get married, if you haven’t already, is that life happens to you, whether you like it or not. It’s possible that you and your spouse will hit a roadblock to your goals. In preparation, ask yourselves how you’ll cope with it or work through it. Figure out what means the most to you, whether that’s children, religion, travel, your careers, etc., because it may one day be time to prioritize. 

On the other hand, it’s possible that you’ll check off every box on your list and hit all of your major life goals. When that happens, ask yourselves how you’ll stay motivated and what will keep you going. 

When you get married, you promise to be there, for better or for worse. Consider, what will you do on both sides of that coin? 

What would a life without the other person look like? 

Give me a moment to explain here. 

At this point in time, there is still a possibility that you will not get married to your soon-to-be spouse. Even when you do, there is a possibility that the marriage will end. 

This is because no matter what, marriage is a choice that you must make every day. Consider your life if you do not make that choice. What does it look like? Is it something you want? 

If your answer is no, then trust me, you’re already off to a good start.